STAGE THREE: BARGAINING

Bargaining is an attempt to bypass depression, which is the next phase in grief after bargaining. No one wants to live with depression, so we bargain, each in our own ways. It is an attempt to defend our own ego. We want to preserve a measure of self worth and dignity. We do not want to feel so badly about ourselves so we naturally attempt to bypass the low points in our healing process.

A ‘replacement’ pregnancy. It is very common for a post-abortive woman to get pregnant within a year of her abortion to compensate for aborting the life of another

Some women and men throw themselves into other good works or become workaholics to “work out” their pain or guilt in a positive manner

Some work excessively hard to become more perfectionistic at their jobs or in their family responsibilities.

Some work in the church nursery, or with the Girl Scouts, or with cosmetic companies or service organizations to feel good about themselves and to help others.

Some may have tried to let go of the pain by prematurely giving their baby to God, only to keep “taking it back.” They try to let go, but haven’t worked through their pain yet….still trying to avoid it by giving it away to God, along with the baby.

Why do we bargain? Remember, bargaining is all about avoiding depression while at the same time, trying to feel good about ourselves. To avoid all the pain, guilt, same and sorrow that comes naturally in our grief, we use bargaining to keep our pain at a superficial level.

BARGAINING RESOLVED:

Bargaining for the post-abortive woman can be very intense. Activities, works of helpful service to others, compensatory pregnancies can be very therapeutic, but they do not make up for the abortion. All activity in the bargaining phase of grief is for the (unconscious) purpose of paying a debt for the sin of abortion so you can feel better about yourself and avoid the depths of despair you find yourself in because of a choice you now wish you could reverse.

By this point in the grieving process, the full force of the abortion has hit. You feel angry, betrayed, full of sorrow, and depressed. Thoughts of suicide may cross your mind. Life can seem overwhelming, and you think of your baby a lot. But don’t despair and don’t be afraid! This is happening because you have not allowed yourself to feel much of anything before this. It seems like all these feeling rush to the surface all at once. You are a person of worth, no matter what you have done! If you were really the “awful person” you may be telling yourself you are, you wouldn’t be feeling so badly! Think about it. The only reason all this grief is surfacing is because all the integrity within you is also surfacing! That’s why you are suffering from this trauma! When your good values rise to the surface, the bad choices we have made are now seen for what they were….bad choices! So it is time now to admit to yourself what you have done, and allow yourself to grieve it through.

Remember, in grieving it through, the real you will emerge: A person with value and values, a person who wants to base her life on integrity, a person who wants to break free of anger and unforgiveness, a person who can freely love again and be loved. So, let all the grief, all the anger, all the unforgiveness, and all the pain and hurt come out, because then the real you will begin to emerge and live again!